Understanding the Female Orgasm

Orgasm. It’s not a word that very many South Asian women talk about unless it’s in some hush hushed conversation. But newlywed Shilpa Cacho has been exploring her body to get a better understanding of how to orgasm. The bold, outspoken makeup artists has shared her thoughts on love and sex with us before and this time she’s hoping she can help other Zardozi women feel comfortable in their own skin.

Understanding the Female Orgasm - Zardozi Magazine - Shilpa

Do you know what your vagina looks like and how to actually achieve an orgasm?

When I was a teenager, I remember thinking that I did something wrong, suddenly I had a deformed vulva. It’s pretty comical to reflect back on, but I’ve heard this from many women. Most women are uncomfortable with their aesthetics. A lot of women don’t even really know what theirs look like. That was me up until recently.

Vulvas come in all different shapes, sizes, and colors. I’m used to seeing pink ones with perfect symmetrical lips that don’t hang out. Many porn stars get their labia surgically altered and bleached so they appear more “attractive.” Sadly, it just perpetuates the idea that all women should look like that. In actuality “normal” vulva all look different. Sometimes the inner lips hang outside of the outer lips. They can be asymmetrical. They can even change shape, size, and color over time.

My husband and I spent a year apart while he was stationed in Korea and I was living in Los Angeles. To keep the spark, we sent sexy photos back and forth. I could send top and bottom shots all day, but never one of my “V.”  Well he got me to do it. At first it felt awkward and cringe-worthy, but then I realized that I didn’t even really know what mine looked like anymore. The crazy part is that at first it made me uncomfortable to even look at it even though it is a part of me. I spread my legs in front of a mirror and stared at it for about an hour until I got more comfortable. It kind of resembles a flower and I really don’t feel uneasy anymore.

If we’re so uncomfortable with what we look like between our legs, how are we supposed to figure out what needs to happen to achieve an orgasm and how to communicate that to our partners? The body’s release of feel good hormones and endorphins during an orgasm promote pain relief, stress relief and relaxation.

There’s an orgasm gap between men and women. Personally, I only know a small number of women who orgasm during sex every time. Most women I know are too uncomfortable to explore their bodies and figure out how to achieve it. They don’t believe that a female orgasm is a necessity. For the longest time, I would fake it. I was a pro at figuring out how to make the noises and facial expressions

As I’m stepping into really owning who I am, my body and my truth, I believe my sexual experiences play a big part in it all. I’m finally in a place where I openly share and ask for the things I want. I’m also lucky that I have an open minded partner who does not in any way shame me for it either. Men are not mind readers, so we have to actually open our mouths and speak up ladies.

Once, I had an Indian priest tell me that having an open dialogue about your preferences during sex was an important conversation to have with your spouse. At the time I was really uncomfortable with the thought of him and his wife banging one out and laying in bed discussing how she preferred it doggy style over missionary, but that’s the problem right there. We are taught to believe that sex is shameful, that discussing it openly is embarrassing and is not an imperative part of a relationship. How can this be true if an orgasm is one of the most amazing, mind-blowing, connecting experiences a human being can have? Especially when it’s with someone you truly love. It’s connects you on an even deeper level.

Many cultures shame women into believing that their vaginas are off limits, to themselves and men until they’re married. They’re our bodies. If we’re unable to own them and learn how to pleasure ourselves, how do we expect to teach someone else to? Self exploration and being connected to our bodies, without shame or guilt, is empowering. So ladies, let’s talk about our vulvas, let’s look at them, share them with partners without embarrassment and teach them how we can achieve ecstasy together.

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